Adoptive Parents

Question: adoptive parents? First of all hi. I think its about time you guys got some questions and adoptees took an interest in how you guys felt with the adoption. I have noticed that the adoptive parents in here get some stick and dont get the chance to open up about adoption, as adoptees only seem to think adoption effects them!! Adoptive parents, How did you feel through the whole adoption process? Were there highs and lows? How did you feel when you baught YOUR child home? I am an adoptee by the way. Not an adoptive parent or thinking about adoption

Answer: First thank you for asking this question, and accept my apology for trying to fit into a Y!A answer what probably would take me a day to tell you. : ) I could go into tons of details about how we met our son's bio-family and how we feel God worked in mysterious ways for us. But I'll try to stick to your questions. The adoption process was a complete roller coaster ride for us. We went from the hell of infertility treatments, to counseling sessions to grieve those lost pregnancies, to a neighbor introducing us to a family who was making an adoption plan for their child. We went from the joy of learning they wanted us to become his parents, to the hell of learning that NJ State DYFS was trying to "reclaim" the child to place him in foster care. NJ DYFS tried to stop our private adoption and our heart broke along with the bio family's. When the bio family took NJ DYFS to court to have a judge grant the bio grandparents custody to proceed with an adoption, we were again on pins & needles until the judge sided with the family. That same afternoon, we signed adoption papers with the bio parents and the bio grandparents (at the suggestion of the family court judge) and were ecstatic that our son would soon be coming home. An hour later, we parted ways with the bio family AND our son - as he was not allowed to cross state lines until the Interstate Compact was approved. We could have stayed in NJ with him in a hotel, but we felt since he had been in his grandparents' care and he had severe medical issues, it was in his best interest to remain in their care around the docs that he had until we brought him home. A week later, we got the call that changed our lives. We could bring our son home. I remember the joy we had driving the 3 hours to pick up our son and the absolute heartbreak we felt as we drove away from the grandparents' house with our son as we had become such good friends with them over the process. I cried for the first hour of the trip - tears of sadness for them, and tears of absolute terror for me as I was realizing I was now a "Mom" and didn't have a clue! :) The ironic thing is that when we got home, there was a message from the grandparents telling us that they were crying tears of joy for their grandson and us - you see, they were adoptive parents too and knew the joy of bringing a child home. So even in their own loss, they were celebrating our joy (you can see why we love them so much). We are blessed that we have a wonderful set of grandparents for our son who have stayed a very huge part of our family. They are great friends, celebrate birthdays and holidays with us - just as our own family does. We often joke that we did not adopt a son but rather a "family". We spend a week every year with them at the beach and love them as much as family. Our son is blessed to have so many people in his life who love him. We are blessed to have our son and his grandparents. We are blessed to be a family. Did our adoption journey have ups? Yes. Did it have downs? Absolutely. Would we do it again? In a heartbeat! Thanks for asking the question.

Question: How would adoptive parents react to this? How would adoptive parents react if there were a bill seeking to "preserve traditional parenting" by banning adoptive parents from calling themselves "parents"? They have to refer to themselves as their kids' "civil guardians," and not be recognized as legal parents in any state records. And hear people tell them, "I don't have anything against your family's lifestyle, I just believe that a 'parent' is a person who biologically produces a child. And I don't want you redefining that term for all of us." And, "Don't let adopters destroy traditional parenthood." How would those parents react?

Answer: Similar to our response to our situation one would assume. Most states ban gay adoption as well. I know we fight for marriage equality, but there is so much more to fight for. One step at a time i guess.

Question: What negative feelings are adoptive parents unable to express here? There was a question about adoptive parents being the only "triad" members who are not allowed to express negative feelings about adoption. I'm trying to determine what those negative feelings might be.

Answer: Day after day on this forum, we are subjected to the following labels: Selfish Greedy Baby Buyers Ethically marginal Infertile (as though it were criminal) Adopters Abusive/Child Molesters/Murderers If we express the negative feelings generated by these words we are asking to have more negativity thrown at us. As for me, I let the negativity roll off and look for where the learning and insight can be found.

Question: Do adoptive parents have access to their adopted childs inheritance? Say a child's parents die and there is no will. The child ends up having to be adopted. As I understand the child will inherit the parents assets since the child is the closest family member. Do the adoptive parents have access to the inheritance at all?

Answer: The state would probably set up a trust. It might be a spend thrift trust to help pay for the child's necessities during it's minority years, and probably at majority the child will be able to access the residual amount. But if a child is from that wealthy of parents (who happen to have an inheritance worth protecting, and who have no other relatives whatsoever) the child's parents probably would have already had some kind of provisions in place.

Question: Why do adoptive parents lie about the integrity of an adoptees biological mother? How does that make the adoptee feel when (s)he finds out that the adoptive parents painted a wrong picture of the biological mother.

Answer: The whole process of adoption was founded on covering up an "ugly" predicament. At the turn of the century, when adoption got started in this country, everything was secret. The birth mother was hid away until she had the baby, and the adoptive mother used pillows to look pregnant. Adoption has been used as a band aid to cover a hurtful situation. They used to tell birth mothers (up through the 1970s) that they would forget about the child and be able to move on in life. In traditional closed adoptions, the adoptees were told that we were chosen especially for the adoptive family. Well-meaning people tried to deny the loss created by adoption and make everyone feel better. Unfortunately, this process has been proven now to fail. Thank goodness that adoption practices have dramatically changed since then, but some of those old attitudes prevail. Most adoptions today are "open" which means that the records are open and all parties involved are acquainted. There are still some situations which call for closed adoptions, but most social workers understand that it is better to deal with the truth of the situation instead of trying to deny it. But, true to human nature, we still tend to try to make people feel better by painting a nicer picture. As a culture, we do not like painful situation, so we cover them up. Adoptive parents are very grateful to birth parents for giving them an opportunity to adopt their child. They try to protect the child and the birth parents by painting a nicer picture. It is not surprising that this still happens. Try to understand it and deal with it honestly. Their motives are probably not evil, but protective. In the adoption movement, we have a saying... Fantasies flourish where facts are unknown. We have made tremendous progress bringing adoption lies out in the open.

Question: How to find adoptive parents of children in Texas, maternal mother would like to locate? Mother gave her children up for adoption and signed away rights but now would like to make amends and give adoptive parents contact info to decide whether they are willing for her to make contact, send photo's and/or let her know how children are doing.

Answer: dont do it ...dont reate havoc in these kid's lives bcuz u realise ur mistakes....if u gave them up so they could hae a better life then just pray that they do and move on,it's going to be hard but for their sakes ....move on.

Question: Why are adoptive parents criticized for not providing information that is not provided to them? This question has been asked several times, in diffrent ways. However, the answer has usually focused on adoptive parents keeping information from the adoptive child. Those answers assume that the information was provided. In our case, very little information was provided by the birth parents. We have basic medical information that was gathered by the hospital when the birth mother went for check-ups and to deliver. We have almost nothing about the birth father, because the birth mother didn't know the information, and he wasn't willing to provide it. Is anyone suggesting that the birth parents be forced to provide the information in order for a child to be placed for adoption? I doubt it. Are we bad people because we cannot provide anything more than the limited information provided by the birth mother? Is the birth mother a bad person for wanting her own privacy? We don't know anything more than her first name (and we are only assuming that is her real name).

Answer: Sometimes when you're a parent you have to accept blame even if there isn't anything you could do or did do. I can empathize with your situation. We also know little to nothing about our son's background. You take what you have and do the best you can for your child. Although some may disagree, I think if a birth mother wants privacy then that is her right. That's her choice.

Question: Adoptive Parents? I just wanted to say KUDOS to all the parents that adopt or considering adopting. Good Luck and GOD Bless You All I placed this comment for families who have chosen adoption. Please don't place your negative comments here and if it doesn't pertain to you, go elsewhere.

Answer: I do not understand these "thank you" sentiments within the adoption triad. Why is it worthy of thanking someone for doing something they WANTED to--add to their family? Why do people thank bio moms for not aborting their kids--do these people thank EVERY mom they see for not aborting? No? Then why assume any of us ever seriously considered abortion? Talk about a back-handed "compliment." Yuck. If anyone deserves a thanks it's the adult adoptees, who stick around and bother to talk about their experiences, enabling the rest of us parents to learn from them. They had no choice in all of this, they've been abandoned (oh, um, excuse me, "placed") and then on top of it all, told to be grateful, had their rights (to their original birth certificates) violated, and denied their loss... yet they are still here, still trying to communicate. I don't deserve ANY thanks, and neither does my daughter's adoptive mom.

Question: Is it illegal if adoptive parents kick you out at 16? If you were adopted and get kicked out by one of the adoptive parents (Which in this case it was family that adopted) at 16 (with no good reason) and the adoptive parents are still getting adoption assistance, is it illegal?

Answer: Depends where you are. Over here in the UK, you can leave/get booted out at 16 with no consequences (well, other than the whole "not all 16yr olds can cope in the world on their own :(" bit).

Question: Do you think adoptive parents that are slightly older make better parents? I'm talking in good health people, who are mid-late 30's to mid-early 40's adopting for the first time. Do you think that their age and life experiences help them be better parents than adoptive and/or natural families in their 20's? Please assume in this question that the adoptive parents are in great health, and that the children being adopted need homes and can't be raised by natural families.

Answer: No. I think it is unfair for a child to be adopted by an older couple.

Question: Adoptive Parents do you support open adoptions or open records? I just had to ask this question considering the slew of certain questions on here about open records and open adoptions. I want to say that most adoptive parents are very much supportive of an open adoption and open records. In fact most adoptive parents even say they would support their children if they choose to search. So, i want to hear from all the adoptive parents are you for open records or adoption? Adoptees are your parents supportive of your need of records? Just because we want open records it is not a betrayl on you as our parents.

Answer: I am 100% in support of both.

Question: How much financial aid do adoptive parents get? If the child is 14-16, how much would the adoptive parents receive in aid from the government per month? EDIT- I am not adopting a child. This is purely a research question. I know 'none' isn't a right answer because my sister adopted a child and was receiving money.

Answer: It depends in what state you're in---here it would be close to $500.00 per month plus a medical card.

Question: What should adoptive parents do in this case? What should parents do when the ten year old girl that they legally adopted, saw her birth father for the first time. He approved the adoption, along with her birth mother when she was a baby. She makes it clear that she wants to become very good friends with her birth father and wants to spend a lot of time with him on a weakly basis, but still wants to live with her adoptive parents who she refers to mommy and daddy.

Answer: Thats a tough one. I think you need to let her or she might get angry towards you and your husband. Me and my sister were both adopted, we are natural brother and sister, I was cuious and met my birth mother at 18 years old, and it turned out I wished I hadn't. But, curiosity could get the best of anyone. As long as she comes home every night to her own bed, I dont think its too big of a deal.

Question: Are adoptive parents always able to provide a better material life or is it just a stereotype? Thinking of infant adoptions only.... There seems to be a stereotype that adoptive parents are wealthy and can provide a better life (in a material way) than birthpartents. Is this sterotype true? I an interested in hearing from adoptees who were reunited with their natural relations. Thank you for sharing.

Answer: Mine was 100% in reverse. Very weathy natural family. Lower-middle class adopters. Just a little extra salt in the wound.

Question: Why do adoptive parents have to have so many checks, but not biological parents? Don't get me wrong, l don't think it's wrong to be checked out, but why don't they do the same to people who are having a baby. There are, statistiaclally speaking, far more cases of abuse in biological families than adoptive ones. Also, why are biological parents given so many chances to screw up their kids? It's like an attitude of "l made them, l can do what l want".

Answer: Basically the answer to your question is simply that in most countries, a child is not considered a life until it has taken it's first breath. Therefore, biological parents are not required to be checked while pregnant, only unless they are doing something abusive or harmful and they are (hopefully) reported for it. l know it seems unfair, but basically when a child is placed for adoption, they are considered wards of whichever state/county/country they fall under, therefore it is the responsibility of the government authorities to make sure they are placed with responsible parents who are adequately able to care for them. Try not to feel to discriminated against, and just think, at the end of this process you have a child for the rest of your life. Good luck to you.

Question: What qualities would you look for in adoptive parents? My dad set up me up to meet a pair of potential adoptive parents for my unborn, what questions should I ask? Also, in your opinion, do you think first time parents are better than parents who had previous children. For some reason I feel that my child will be better off if the adoptive parents have no other kids, so he or she can be the center of the attention, am I wrong to think that? What about the race, is it better to find parents who has the same race as the baby? I'm asian by the way

Answer: Stability - jobs, homes Security - income, medical insurance Lifestyle - family and friends, social activities, community involvement, church Personalities - open, caring, humor, family oriented, stable emotionally Background and references - no arrests, no addictions, great references from non relatives This is just a beginning...... If you are adopting through an agency, they will give you a "Profile" which contains all this info and more. It's non identified (no specific details such as last names, etc.) just as your info ("Profile") given to the adoptive parents is also de-identified. This really is the only way to start off. You can fully open it if you all agree after you really know each other over time (3 months or more). Also, EVERY adopting couple must have an ADOPTION HOMESTUDY, which covers all of the above details plus many many more. You have a right to ready that (de-identified) or hear the attorney or social worker read it leaving out specifics (last names, company names, etc.). As far as experienced parents or new ones -- both have "advantages" so you can't go wrong! Parents who already have a child are experienced -- and you can SEE for yourself how they are as parents by seeing them interact with and parent their first child. Also, you can SEE what their first child is like -- spoiled, well behaved, snotty, kind?? But then -- first time parents discover all the wonders and newness of parenting with your little one as their first! Neither child is loved or cherished or celebrated any less, I can assure you!! In terms of race, I think more important than the couple's race is their attitude about races, ethnicites, cultures of ALL kinds. You should be able to SEE this in their lives. Diverse friends? Diverse church? Even art and ethnic foods! Look carefully at the photos in the PHOTO BOOK they should have made for you -- photos of their home, family, neighborhood, friends, vacations, celebrations, hobbies. What do you see? All one race? All one age group? Look for diversity, and that is the environment your child will be raised in. Be wary of monotone families with only one race reflected in their lives, photos. You do not want your child to be racially isolated. This is where an experienced couple who has already adopted may be a strength to you --if they have already adopted a child of another race (any, in my opinion) then it MAY say something about their openness in general and their diverse lifestyle (But not always. Again, look for ways demonstrated throughout their lives.) Read about diversity and attitudes about people from different races and cultures in their homestudy -- this is a required part of the homestudy! They also have to QUALIFY to adopt a child who is other than their specific race/ethnicity, so this will be contained in their homestudy approval -- at the end of the report. You have a right to ALL this information! If you are working through a good agency or adoption attorney, they know this and will provide this very willingly. If not -- ask for it! If you are not going through an attorney or agency, make sure someone gets a copy of all their paperwork first -- APPROVED homestudy, background checks, references, etc. And make sure you spell out on paper all the continuing contact you THINK you may EVER want, and that all of you sign this. Visitation? Photos, letters, gifts, etc. Good luck, and what a great start you're making!!

Question: Adoptees, What should adoptive parents do in this situation? If you are an adoptive child. What should your adoptive parent say and do if you tell them that you hurt because you were adopted? Before you answer, please note that I would not be upset or angry at my son if he wanted to know about his adoptive family or if he felt hurt at the thought of not being wanted by his birth family and birth parents. Also, if you are going to say that adoptive parents should not adopt in the first place. That is not an answer for the situation at hand, that is your opinion.

Answer: I think it would be a good thing to stop bad-mouthing his first parents, whatever your opinion you have of them, they are a part of him and their genes are living right there in your home

Question: What do you think your adoptive parents could have done differently? What did your adoptive parents do wrong? What did they do right?

Answer: OK, I don't know if this applies to you, but my adoptive parents are white... and I'm not. Not really. I'm Native American and Portuguese. We don't know how much Native American but we think a lot. Alright, let me get to the important part. Wrong: Not embracing my culture. They attempted to make me into the perfect little white, when that is not who I was born. No effort was ever put forward to help me see MY culture. Sure, I know that my afamily is Irish, English, and German. I know the foods and tradtitions of those cultures. I learned nothing (from them) about my people. Not even the basics. Wrong: I was chastized for saying that I am not white. I started college this fall and am forever getting in trouble for checking the "other" box on forms and surveys and such. Dispite how I feel, they believe that I should be considered Caucasion. If I hear, "Sorry to break it to you, but you're Caucasion," one more bloody time... Wrong: Leaving me any room to doubt how much they loved me. So many times I felt that I received harsher punishments than my brother, for the same offenses , simply because I'm not one of the "real" children. There were always more pressures on me than the other two, more responsibilies. At least, thats the way I felt. I'm sure aparents feel differently. Right: Telling me that I was adopted as soon as they could. I've always known, and that's important to me, because being adopted is part of my identity. Wrong: Not being able to answer my questions when I began to question my adoption. That whole "She loved you so much..." started to loose its credit with me and thats all they had. I know they don't know the true reasons I was given way, but for goodness sake, think of something! When I couldn't find any other explaination, I began to think the worst and I'm still struggling with that hurt. Don't let your child believe that their bmom hated them or that they ruined bmoms life or that it was too late for bmom to get abortion. If you ever need to lie to your child, this is the time. Wrong: not seeing how much I was hurting because of the above wrong. Your child is never too old to have his/her tears wiped. Watch for signs of adoption depression and help your child deal with it. I know several other adopted teens who had these same feelings. It developed for me around age 12, that age range for the other kids too. Don't let your child cry alone at night, it'l just hurt them worse in the long range. Wrong Wrong Wrong: Not being willing to help me search for my birth family. I can't even begin to descibe how much this one hurts. When you adopt a child, you have to be ready for the day that your child will want to find their birth family. You can't just turn around and say "no i won't do it." Especially when your child is old enough to legally search for the bfamily. WE NEED SUPPORT. I hope you'll find my input helpful, at least a little bit. My parents did plently of things right, I just didn't think it counted unless it was specifically related to my adoption. The things they did right are things every parent should do- biological children or not. You know, stuff like feeding your kids, keeping them clothed and clean. Picking them up when hey fall, stuff like that.

Question: What qualities would you look for in potential adoptive parents? My dad set up me up to meet a pair of potential adoptive parents for my unborn, what questions should I ask? Also, in your opinion, do you think first time parents are better than parents who had previous children. For some reason I feel that my child will be better off if the adoptive parents have no other kids, so he or she can be the center of the attention, am I wrong to think that? What about the race, is it better to find parents who has the same race as the baby? I'm asian by the way

Answer: Financial status of the adoptive parents, their education, ask if they're college grads so they're able to teach your child properly. Race is a big issue, I think.. you want your child to learn from the same culture you grew up it. I agree with you, first time parents will be a better choice for that child.

Question: Should I tell the adoptive parents of my daughter that I found her real dad? I keep in contact with my children's adoptive parents and I found the real father to my daughter. He doesn't want anything to do with her but I want her to know where she came from. I haven't told the parents yet. Should I tell them or just leave them alone?

Answer: I'm a birth mom too. I sent the adoptive parents the info on the bio father's daughter. So the adoptive parents sat the info aside incase he wants to contact his half sister when he is older. Your daughter should know who her bio father is but leagally she cannot contact him until she is 18. So there's not a lot of point in telling her now. If you want to tell the adoptive parents then don't say 'real dad' instead say 'biological dad'. Adoptive parents can be very sensetive. Don't pay attention to what that one person said. You did NOT reject your daughter. You did what you thought was best for her. Good luck!