Foster Adoption Placements

Question: Can I work in Adoptions with a BA in Public Relations? Can I go straight for a Masters in Social work with this BA or do I have to start all over?? I would love to work in Refugee Resettlement for a non-profit, adoption placement, foster care or anything related to this field. Im just not really sure how to go about all of this. Where do I start and how long is the schooling process?? Help!

Answer: A friend of mine said No, you can't go from a BA in Public Relations to a a Masters in Social Work. You will need a BA in social work and/or counseling. Consult a major college in your area for an exact answer. This friend as her masters in social work and works with abused children.

Question: Why do people say they couldn't be foster parents but accept legal risk private placements of infants? I've heard from a number of people that they couldn't be foster parents or adopt from foster care because they'd get too attached to the child, and fear letting them go. (Children legally free for adoption aren't usually mentioned, and the people who say this may not be aware there's a difference.) Yet these same people turn to domestic infant adoption, and match with an expectant mother either before birth or before the revocation period for her termination of parental rights expires... meaning they're taking the baby at legal risk, and the mother still has every right to decide to parent. Why does taking an infant being adopted privately at legal risk feel different from being a foster parent? Aren't the essentially the same thing, when you get right down to it? Even if you hope to adopt in both cases, how is it different in terms of attachment/risk? Is it just an excuse not to research foster care or foster care adoption? I realize that's very possible, but the less cynical part of me hopes there's actually a good reason that I'm just failing to understand. Why do people who don't think they could be foster-adopt parents because of the risk of attaching to a child and then losing them, but feel they can take a legal risk placement in domestic infant adoption, or match pre-birth? What feels so different about it?

Answer: I think, as you have already alluded to, the big problem is that people get the terms confused and don't really understand the process when it comes to adoptions from foster care. They automatically assume that adoptions from foster care = temporary or somehow risky and problematic without understanding that the children for adoption through that process are not "foster children" in the original sense of the term. I think there is also that level of "hope" involved. With being a foster parent, when you really want to adopt, you know that it will be temporary (to varying degrees) and people worry about being attached to the child that will eventually leave. At the same time though when they are trying to adopt in the forms of adoption you mention they glom on to that "hope" that things will work out. In the majority of cases it does too which only perpetuates the problem.

Question: Re: Foster care placements and existing children in the home...? Would really like to hear from everyone but especially those who have decided to be foster parents or chosen NOT to for whatever reason. Question: As it pertains to EXISTING children in the home, what is the ideal time or situation for foster placement? And why is that, in your experience or research? Currently, we are very hesitant to take on foster children because of our son's age and his adoption history. For example, he has a sister now that he knows but doesn't live with us, lives with their mom etc...so it's a time for us to work with that right now. What are the recommended guidelines where you are? Thanks! @Aloha: You've spoken my mind. Word for word almost. ;) @Smurf: I should have clarified. I meant guidelines about what are some big dos and don'ts of fostering. In a recent answer I suggested making the child feel secure by sleeping in the same bed for a while...totally innocent but clueless suggestion I now know. That kind of thing. You guys are all very helpful!

Answer: I don't know about any "recommended guidelines." I think it's different for everyone. I adopted my son from foster care when he was 2-1/2 years old. That was six years ago. I have thought many times about fostering again, but I have chosen not to for one reason: I think it would be too traumatic for my son when the foster child leaves to go to another foster home or back to his natural family. My son knows he was adopted and I don't want any confusion about HIM possibly leaving, as well. Of course I would make all the reassurances in the world that he isn't going anywhere and explain that the foster children were moving on to someplace better, but my son is my first priority and his security and well-being are what's most important. Like I said, it's different for everyone. This is what *I* believe is best for *my* family.

Question: adoption....foster care question? Hi! My husband and I have completed our homestudy for adoption, but we have to complete another section if we want to serve as foster parents (until we are placed with a child for adoption). Have any of you been foster parents? I think I may be a bit too emotional to be one, but I am very willing to try....we want a full adoption, but we feel like fostering may prepare us for an eventual adoption situation and that by fostering, if the child does become available, we will be 'in the running' for possible placements.....I am just a bit nervous about having the child/children for years and then having them go back with their birth families.....what should we expect? Any good or bad stories? Thanks so much!! John: you are too kind for words! You are such a special person and I so enjoy reading all of your responses to my questions. I can't email you, but I hope that you will have the chance to read this. You always seem to put a smile on my face! Thank you and bless you!

Answer: I am not a foster parent, but know several, and live a few doors away from the most amazing foster parents. My experience is limited, but what I wanted to offer you was a quick thought, and something I've heard from many foster parents: you have to remember all along that the job of a foster parent is to provide a safe and stable home but that reunification with their parents is the priority, and as a foster parent, you need to be working towards that happening. I'm not saying don't do it! I know of many foster-to-adopt parents who have had great experiences, and I know their amazing kids, too - proof that it can be amazing (challenging but amazing). But being a foster parent is different than being an adoptive parent, and one may not necessarily prepare you well for the other.

Question: Can a relative petition the court for placement of a child who is currently in a home for adoption? Can a relative petition the court for consideration of placement of a child who is already in adoptions but not yet adopted. It is a 6 month old baby in a adoption foster home. The relative just discovered that the baby was going to adoptions, she didn't realize that the mother wasn't being offered reunification services or she would have stepped in sooner, but the mother (her cousin) kept this information from her.

Answer: Yes.Any family member can step in and get custody of the child until the adoption is final and six months have past(1 yr in some states).As long as they are examed and approved by the state.

Question: What are the steps in an adoption home-study? I'm trying to understand the home-study process. I am applying for dual-licensing (foster-to-adopt) for Michigan. My plan is to adopt a waiting child right away, then start excepting placements from foster care. Can anyone describe to me in DETAIL the step by step process of a home-study (also called an adoption assessment)? Thanks in advance.

Answer: Each state has its own process. I adopted in Georgia and I had to meet with my case worker 3 ro 4 times, one of which was in my house so he could see things like where the child would stay etc. Everyone fears the home study and yes I cleaned things that have never been cleaned since but its not nearly as traumatic as it sounds. As long as you have a clean safe house, that's all they're really looking for. The best advice I can give you for the actual homestudy is that your caseworker expects your house to look lived in, it doesn't need to pass a white glove inspection. Too clean a house is going to raise questions about your ability to tolerate a child, that by their nature is going to leave dirty clothes strewn about, not put their dishes in the dishwasher, etc. As for your plan to adopt and do foster care at the same time, I don't know that its a good idea. At least in Georgia, you need to wait a minimum of six months before you can adopt again and the child now living with you would have a chance to express their feelings about your desire to foster other children. My son has been with me for over two years now, he is very adamant he is happy being an only child and I firmly believe another child in my home right now would make him feel that much more insecure about his relationship with me. That doesn't seem to be untypical of adopted children.

Question: foster care/adoption guardian ad litem?? Hi. We have recently welcomed home a toddler, with eventual adoption at TPR. He was formerly in foster care since birth. The fosters requested to see and hear from him often, but our case worker said that we should keep that at a minimum until a bond has be solidified with us as his parents, and has recommended that we never have him in their home--too many memories/confusion. Our pediatrician agreed. We have decided to send letters and pics, but not give them our address or visit for at least 1 year. His guardian ad litem is friends with the foster family. She has repeatedly suggested that she is disappointed that he wasn't kept in the foster family or that she didn't have enough say in permenant placement. She will be visiting our home once per month. Is she obligated to keep our private info (address, employment, what she thinks of us, etc. ) private...or can she discuss anything with the foster family? Thanks for any help you can give!

Answer: Good question. I believe she is obligated to keep things private, but if she is friends with the foster family, it depends on her level of professionalism as to whether she will adhere to that or not. I hope that the social worker can separate her "friend" hat with her "professional" hat. Good luck.

Question: My best friend is become a foster mum soon (it's different to adoption), and l want to do her a 'baby shower' We know that she's getting a child under 5 years old, and she's having long term placements, which means the kids stay for 1 year-forever sometimes. Even though she's not adopting a child, she's chosen to be a foster mum instead of having her own kids, which l really admire her for, and nobody has bought her any gifts the way she does for her family and all of her friends when they are pregnant. l got a little bit upset for her, and thought of throwing her a kind of baby shower where everyone gives a gift that's *neutral*, to age or sex, like books, stuffed animals, a gift card, something like that? What do other people think? She doesn't even get a baby bonus like people who are having a baby do, she's spent like $2000 of her own money buying stuff for the child/children she'll have. Do you think it's wrong for her to get a *baby* shower?

Answer: l think that's a really beautiful thing to do, and l've got to say, your best friend is very lucky for having you as her best friend! l'm a foster mom myself (along with my husband), and we really appreciate the people in our lives who treat the children that we foster the same way as they treat our other children. l thing you have an excellent idea there, l actually suggested something similar a little while back to another person on here! l would definately do that, just like any baby shower, people are free to choose whether or not they attend, how much they spend on a gift, etc, so it's not like you're forcing anybody into it. Another idea for those who feel uncomfortable not knowing what age to buy for is to give an 'arrival' gift when the child actually comes to your friend. That way, people get to greet the child (after a few days of course), and give a small gift to welcome the child. But l definately love your idea of a 'fostering' shower! Tell your friend l wish her the best of luck, and l know she will be so blessed by the great adventure she's about to start!

Question: What do you think of considering race/culture in adoption? This is a question for adoptees, PAP, APs, First Parents everyone. I'm an adoption social worker (and foster care)....10 years ago when I started we were to address the issue of race...then we weren't and now we are again. What do you think of considering race/culture in an adoption assessment for the placement of children. I'm not saying that it would be that children were ONLY placed with same culture families...and that it would be the ONLY criteria....but do you feel it should be considered at all and why?

Answer: I agree with Possum and Harlow's monkey. Absolutely, race and culture should be considered in adoption. I would have no problems with first considering prospective adoptive parents of the same race first. I would have loved to take any course on racial issues, cultural diversity, and hair care before adopting our first daughter! I would be ecstatic to say love is enough, but it isn't. This is not how the world views our children. It is essential to have racial pride and cultural education in combatting racism in America. How can i teach my daughter about being "black" in America, when i have no experience with the issue? Am i just supposed to pretend racism doesn't exist? As a white person in America are you concerned when a cop pulls you over? no. For my non-white children, its a huge concern of mine. Its just different. We questioned every scenario we could think of before adopting. How would we handle and burning cross in our front yard, our child being called the "n" word on her first day of kindergarten, and how would we handle the nasty glares we would get just walking down the street? How come you don't see black skinned Jesus statues and pictures? Who are the top three influencial African American men and top three women, not in entertainment, music or sports? How come good things such as wedding dresses and baptismal outfits are white and bad things like funerals and witches/devils wear black? Why does the black guy always die first in scary movies? When is the African American disney princess movie coming out? How diverse is your church, school, and town? How many pictures of brown skinned people do you have hanging on your wall? Magazines? How diverse are your friendships? How about the music you listen to, tv shows you watch, and children's books? Have i proved my point? No matter how many classes you offer, culture assessments and books these prospective adoptive parents are given it won't be enough, but it sure as heck would be a great place to start. This is a serious issue and a serious committment to racial/culture idenitity and pride should be addressed/taught/assessed with pap's considering transracial adoption.

Question: Younger surrendering mothers and adoptive parents here? I am wondering if the surrendering mothers of today and not long ago, were furnished and/or asked for the medical and psycho-social history and/or a copy of the Homestudy, of the adoptive parents they chose to place their child with prior to the adoption finalization? If not, why not? Adoptive parents.. have any of the first mothers who chose you to adopt her child, did the nmother at anytime request this directly from you or thru the facilitators of the surrender/adoption? I would think it just as important for a surrendering mother to have the written medical and mental health histories of the adoptive parents (adoptive family) she is placing her child with, as it is important for the adoptive parents to have from the surrendering mother/parents. Would this also not help a surrendering mother to make a more informed/educated decision to place her child with the aparents she has selected? I think this would only be in regards to private and adoption agency placements. I am assuming most foster care adoptions in America, the surrendering mother is not 'placing', per se. Am just wondering. Thank you.

Answer: When I began raising my daughter, I called her first mom (we had not yet met) and told her a bit about myself and asked if she had any questions. That was when I promised her that she would never be kept away from her child as long as I was in the picture. I told her about my parenting history with my kids, I told her about my own issues with depression. I told her about some of the screw ups I have made in life, along with my parental strengths. I told her I was always just a phone call away. Of course then it looked like I was just going to be her daughter's step mother. Later she brought up the idea of step parent adoption and she and I talked about it at length before we brought it up to my husband. She knows I am not perfect nor have I always been the perfect parent, but I think that is why she feels comfortable with me because she knows I understand that people can make mistakes and learn and grow from them. I think that if a woman has made the painful decision to place her child with a family she has every right to know about them, including their medical history. After all, she needs to know if they are healthy enough to raise her child. I also think she has the right to see the home study. She has every right to know what kind of home and family her child will be growing up in.

Question: Will you still say after reading this, that Adoption Agencies are not profitable? That the high cost to buy a child from an adoption agency is justified, because of the expenses for filing fees, lawyers, etc.? Also some of these adoption agencies are also in the business of foster care...they are making a profit off the foster care placements as well. Here is an excerpt...""For example, Faithbridge Foster Care Inc., in Alpharetta, spent $293,311 in 2008, according to the tax return it filed for that year with the Internal Revenue Service. It paid its executive director $70,325. It spent another $4,200 to rent a building the director owns (on an annual basis, the rent payments would total $16,800). It paid $40,971 to rent office space from a company belonging to the chairman of its board. Altogether in 2008, the agency devoted almost 40 percent of its budget to its top officers."" ""A lack of industry standards and government rules enable people running such agencies to spend freely for their own benefit, said Pablo Eisenberg, a senior fellow at Georgetown University’s Center for Public and Nonprofit Leadership. “What you’re finding is certainly the trend in nonprofits,” Eisenberg said. “An increasing number of people are pushing for a kind of free market in nonprofits.” He described directors who don’t challenge excessive spending as “totally incompetent.” “There’s no accountability,” Eisenberg said. “There are no guidelines by the IRS, even on self-dealing. It’s just appalling.”"" ""For today’s article, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution examined federal income tax returns for most of the 336 private foster care and adoption agencies licensed in Georgia. Federal law allows public inspection of nonprofits’ tax returns. Most of those documents are available free online from organizations such as the Foundation Center (www.
foundationcenter.org) or GuideStar (www.guidestar.org)."" ETA: Forgot to add the link: http://www.ajc.com/news/nonprofit-adopti…

Answer: I don't need tax returns to know that agencies make a big fat profit. I've never understood how people couldn't believe that adoption facilitators profit from adoption. I've tried and tried to figure it out but here is all I can come up with: 1. If "fees" are for paperwork - why the discrepancy in prices - why is there not a "standard cost"? Oh, wait there are standard costs for Court related expenses, fingerprints, etc. 2. Who ever heard of $40,000 in fees? That is a WHOLE lotta paperwork. They must pay thousands an hour! Do people really think a background check and finger prints cost thousands? In my county, fingerprints are $15 and a background check just went up to a whopping $35. Court costs are $55 - $150 depending on the type of adoption. Maybe it's for being an intermediary for communication. No, wait, most agencies fail to properly forward information. Maybe to storage and filing fees? Nah, they charge for that later. (There was a fire and a flood anyway...) 3. If foster care adoption also can manage to include pre-adoption training, after care and stipends - why is it STILL cheaper than private adoption? There is no legitimate explanation for the difference in cost except that maybe some stigmas and stereotypes more expensive than others. For example, a "damaged" child is not as "valuable" as an "irresponsible teen's". Also a domestically "damaged" child is less "costly" than a "damaged" child from another country. 4. Who do people think pays for all the advertising, (websites, commercials, adverts, brochures, "aggressive birthmother outreach", etc.) get-together picnics, gala dinners/balls (Grrrrrr.), fancy offices, lobbyists, etc. that these agencies have? The expenses for all that stuff must come from "donations"... 5. And someone please explain what "brithmother expenses" are. I haven't figured that out in 15 years. Most first parents have insurance or on medicaid - so that ain't it. Hmmm. Maybe its the housing and food assistance - oh, no...it's not that either. Maternity items...usually not. I must be missing something here. 6. The infamous $10,000 "homestudy"? That one still makes me roll my eyes. Seriously, if it isn't profit, WHAT IS ALL THAT MONEY FOR???? I would LOVE for someone to really break it down for me because, try as I might, I can't figure it out.

Question: How can I become a foster parent in South Florida? I'm a 36 year old married woman, who can't have children and I'm just yearning to be a mommy...hopefully this will lead to permanent placement or adoption.....We only have the resources for one child...will this make a difference?

Answer: I'm not sure about Florida, but here we were required to take a little class for a few weekends. We have been a foster home for about a year and have had several children placed with us, mostly for a month or two at a time. The longest was for 6 months. Permanent placement may be a different proccess than fostering children. You may need to check with the Dept of Family Services, or whatever they call it there. We have just started a foster family group on Yahoo, and you are welcome to check it out. parentingfosterchildren@yahoogroups It has been great to have the kids come,even if it is for a short time. We know that from the start, so it makes it easier when they go.

Question: I am a new foster parent and doing respite care and need some advice for dealing with emotions and issues? concerning the children put into my care. Am feeling extremely concerned 4 some of the children being placed in my care and am feeling very emotional (privately) when dealing with some of their issues. 1 girl, who is available for adoption and has blown 2 adoptions and 6 placements, while manipulative, showed some promise of having a really good heart, and needing a strong foster, abused beyond anything I can even fathom, is a strong and resilent child, yet, I see the damage. Is there any real hope for change? She is generous (puts money in the poor box, buys toys for other children, etc) and in general, very kind. When I took her back to the group home, cried all the way home. 2nd visit knew she needed more help than what she is getting. What do I do 2 help her & others that are coming into my care, to make sure they are getting the care they need and deserve? What can I do to be what they need? Any advice from any foster parents wood be greatly appreciated! Or should know?

Answer: Yes their is hope. Just understand that's it going to take time. Children who have been abused physically and mentally constantly keep their guard up, afraid of being hurt again. It may take awhile for her to loosen up to you or anyone for that matter, but just don't give up on her. She may say stuff to you that will hurt you but never take things personally, she's just expressing herself the only way she knows how. The fact that she cries when she has to go back to the group home shows that she really wants to be part of a family and it breaks her heart for her to have to return. I work at a group home and no matter how pleasant we try to make it, most of the kids would rather be home again being abused then be without their families. Remember that you are her advocate for the time being. If you feel she needs better care then speak to her caseworker. Be persistent, many time the caseworkers are so overloaded they tend to push things aside. Don't let them, voice your concerns to anyone who will listen.

Question: What do you think of this: “Anti-Adoption Advocates”: How Should We Respond? http://catholicexchange.com/2008/11/11/1… Now that the election is over, one of the most chilling prospects of the future administration is the president-elect’s determination to sign the “Freedom of Choice Act” (FOCA). The implications of this — both financial and moral — are staggering, for it means our tax dollars may be used to snuff out the lives of millions of children. To be truly pro-life, then, is to seek ways to ensure that the need for abortion is eliminated, as far as we are able to do this. Adoption gives those in crisis pregnancies an abortion alternative that saves the life of the child and relieves them of the unwanted responsibility of parenthood. Adoption also provides an opportunity for couples to have a child they might otherwise never have, and for the child to have a “forever family” that will love him or her for life. With foster-adoption, children who have already been born — often to parents with such serious issues that the children may have been better off had the “adoption option” been chosen from the beginning — are given a second chance. Sadly, many of these children — especially those who are part of sibling group, have special needs, or are “older” (four or more) — must wait months and even years for a loving, permanent home. There are simply not enough suitable families willing to open their hearts this way. The situation would be dire enough … Now grass roots, anti-adoption advocacy groups such as “Bastard Nation” and “Adoption: Legalized Ties” are seeking to discourage adoption, choosing rather to advocate for disgruntled adult adoptees and “natural parents,” including those whose children were taken from them because of abuse and neglect. Anti-Adoption Advocates: Biased “Truth” The dynamic of adoption is often described as a “triad,” with 3 sides representing the birth (or first) parents, adoptive parents, and adopted child. By and large, anti-adoption groups have vilified both adoptive parents and the agencies that mediate the placements. Recently, however, the attack has expanded to birth parents as well: Under the “Unsealed Initiative,” adult adoptees and others are lobbying government agencies in New York and other states (successfully, in Toronto) to release sealed birth records in order to gain access to the identities of birth parents who may not desire contact, and who were promised anonymity upon relinquishment. In the minds of the adult adoptees, the “best interest of the child” trumps all — when in fact the “child” is no longer a child, but an adult whose “right to know” is no more important than the other party’s right to privacy. This growing trend is even more alarming, given the unabashed pro-abortion stance of the Obama administration. Women in crisis pregnancies who are considering adoption may have second thoughts when faced with the very real possibility that their “past” may come knocking on their door twenty or thirty years hence, disrupting their lives with demands and recriminations. Unless the records are truly sealed with a “suite lock” — one that can be opened only by mutual consent — the real danger is that these “unwanted” children will simply be aborted. Catholic Anti-Adoption Advocates Recently I was appalled to discover that these “anti-adoption advocates” are making inroads even in Catholic publications. Last September the National Catholic Register ran this article (accessed through my EMN blog) by self-professed “anti-adoption advocate” Melinda Selmys, who writes about encountering teenage adoptees who were acting out — though the adoptive parents were “kind and loving people.” Rather than consider the real possibility that the teens had been damaged by circumstances that led up to the adoption, or that adoption may indeed have been their best chance at a bright future, or that these kids were just like others teens who have difficulties making the transition into adulthood, Selmys concludes that the adoption itself was the true source of the problem. She writes: The child … is not a tabula rasa on which anyone – parents, teachers, social workers, engineers of brave new worlds – can inscribe their glowing hopes for the future. … The child is created in the image and likeness of God, but it is also in the image and likeness of its parents. The people who hope to see evil eradicated from the world through increasing government intervention in the lives of children are going to be sorely disappointed. Children do not inherit their faults and failings merely by watching and imitating mom and dad. They inherit them on a much deeper level. Healing the Wounded Heart Now, much of what Ms. Selmys says sounds reasonable. Foster and adoptive parents are well aware that our children have challenges and issues originating with their “first families” — behavioral, mental, emotional, and medical among them. Sometimes it’s genetic. Other times challenges come from the child’s pre-adoptive environment, not a bl What do I think? I think a child's right to know their bloodline and medical history over rides the mother's right to privacy and that a mother that was raped and has not realized the child did not rape her and did not ask to be carried to term or placed for adoption should have sought therapy along time ago like after the rape occurred and before relinquishing the child, maybe she should of used plan B or had an abortion. Adoptees had no say what happened to them at birth now that they are adults they should have a say. Grown ups made the decisions when they were infants they just want unaltered vital records which I think they are entitled to.

Answer: I believe adoption is a truly good thing. Anti-adoption advocates are adoptees who think that their lives would have been so much better not being adopted. News flash, your birth parents gave you up so that you would not have a messed up life. So instead of sitting in a alley in a ghetto somewhere playing with broken shards of glass because the birth parents can only afford to live in area where homicide is an everday occurance, they were adopted by parents that lived in a good area where they could camp in their backyard and not have to worry if a stray bullet would kill them in the middle of the night. The birth parents made a sacrifice, and gave their child the chance they could never have. Those children weren't abondoned to adoption, they were saved by it. I hear some of them say abortion is better than adoption. Whenis murder of an innocent life ever the better option, NEVER!!!! Adoption occurs in the animal kingdom as well, it takes place within wolf packs, and bear clans, even chimps and gorillas, sounds pretty natural to me!!!! The child is precious, and that is that. On another note, if the birth mother wishes to have the records sealed thats fine. Everyone has a right to privacy. What they should do is in the event of the birth mother's death the records become unsealed and the person searching for their birth mother can get information regarding their heritage. I also believe that once the birth parents sign the papers reliquishing custody of the child they should not be able to see the child without the expressed consent of the adoptive parents, because signing the papers says you cannot manage the well being of the child. Adoption is right, and good. It even takes place in the bible. Moses was adopted by egyptians, so was Jesus.

Question: What do you suggest for adoption reform? This forum seems very politicized. Whether it’s the anti-abortion or anti-adoption folks the focus seems to be on general principles, not on real people. So, I am asking this to promote a serious discussion about ways to alleviate suffering. I am consternated when I see an anti-adoption post tell the adoptive parents on the forum to “lighten up.” Either you are serious or not. This isn’t a subject for recreational ranting. Let me try to briefly outline the problems in a context that is not so US-centric. In Western Europe, there are almost no domestic adoptions because of the social systems in these countries. In most European countries, original parents must sign papers twice (generally with a six week interval) for a child to be legally adopted. Also, in many countries any and all payment for adoption services by the adoptive parents is illegal. The tax payers cover the expenses. So, this is in essence what the anti-adoption lobby is talking about. There are ways to mitigate the forces that lead to children needing homes. BUT most of the population of the world does not live in such societies. In many other countries, extreme poverty, social disparity, racism and armed conflicts separate children from their families. Without adoption, the “temporary problems” of the parent’s becomes the permanent trauma and medical harm of the children. Brain research shows that small children who experience multiple unconnected caregivers over an extended period (longer than six months), display structural changes in their brains that can inhibit their social and emotional abilities throughout their lives. Even if the staff of orphanages are caring and kind, infants and small children still show marked signs of social and emotional disability. The same thing happens to a lesser degree when children are moved around between temporary foster homes, or from a birth parent to a foster home and back to the birth parent. If the child has been with the caregiver for a significant period, counting in utero and foster placements, the child experiences trauma from separation. The NUMBER of separations is key. One separation (such as from a birth parent early in infancy) has been shown to cause some traumatic effects but it is usually not debilitating. Multiple separations are far more serious. In the US foster care system and in children’s homes and orphanages around the world, there are hundreds of thousands of children being subjected to a situation that causes grievous harm. As most arguments against adoption hinge on the trauma of separation, advocates of alternatives must take into account that any repeated separation will multiply the suffering they are trying to prevent. With every new separation brain pathways of distrust and social alienation are confirmed. I have seen complaints in this forum over judgment of birth parents, yet I mostly read moralistic condemnation of adoptive parents, never of birth parents. The refrain is about blaming adopters for systemic problems and claiming they are inflicting suffering on birth parents. The fact is that most children who come to adoption have already been separated from their birth parents and will not be able to return to them, whether or not they are adopted. Except for rare cases of private adoption or child trafficking, the adoptive parents play no role in the fate of the birth parents. To say that all adoptive parents are exploitative is bigotry. All reform must focus on what will harm children least. Adoptive parents and birth parents both have decision-making power and should bear the risks. Adoptive parents must, for instance, accept that a birth parent may change his or her mind, perhaps even during the initial weeks that the child is living with the adoptive family. Birth parents, likewise, should not be given unlimited rights to subject their children to temporary situations that cause serious harm. In most countries today, the children absorb these risks by remaining in temporary situations until their fate is decided. We cannot lose sight of the basic reality - shifting caregivers have devastating physiological and psychological consequences for children and they must be protected from this at whatever cost to adults. So, do you know of any truly balanced counseling materials or services for birth parents, which talk about both the costs of adoption and the costs of temporary placements? How can child trafficking be erradicated? What systemic changes in the US would result in fewer family separations in the first place? How can adoptive parents be better prepared for transracial and transnational adoption? Do you believe that cultural and racial displacement is more urgent than the effects of repeated separation traumas? If so, how do you arrive at this conclusion? Should we take the money out of adoption altogether and if so how? Who should for the real expenses of social and medical services? I'm not a researcher. LOL. I'm trying to add a little seriousness and civility to the debate because this IS about real suffering. That is exactly the opposite of dismissive of people with concerns like forced adoption.

Answer: No for profit adoption agencies. Adoption shouldn't be a multi billion dollar industry and I hate the fact that APs get over $10,000 in tax payer money in tax credits to pay for their adoption expenses. No religious based adoption agencies. When pregnant women have to make the choice of either parenting, abortion or adoption the last thing they need is religious manipulation from some jesus freak god bag. Soliciting for babies should be illegal. It's illegal to solicit for sex and body organs. Soliciting for babies also needs to be illegal. No baby begging dear birth mother letters, no baby begging on websites, no baby begging on you tube. No Paps leaving their business cards at ob/gyn offices, crisis pregnancy centers, high school guidance councillors offices, no where. No baby begging ever! It's so creepy and pathetic. Crisis pregnancy centers should not be affilated with adoption agencies and pregnant women should be made aware of all the social service programs that can help them. Their goal should be family preservation. The adoption laws must require time for the mother to get to bond with her baby for at least 6 weeks before she can choose to permanently place her baby in an adoptive family. She should be encouraged to hold her baby and breastfeed for the health benefits. Its illegal for animal breeders to separate puppies and kittens from their mothers too early so why do potential birth mothers get treated worse than animals? She must be offered social serves if she needs them and she should be tested to rule out postpartum depression . Her baby can be placed in a temporary foster home while she gets the services she needs to parent her child. There should be no pre birth matching only after the 6 weeks has passed after birth should she pick a family. If she does decide to place her baby up for adoption then open adoption agreements should be legally binding and APs who break the contract should be held in contempt of court and face fines and possible jail time.

Question: Ideas for comfort...? So, the time has come...Hubby and I have a placement (foster adoption)...Two young children (much younger than we had planned...I had always expected us to at least be placed with children who were verbal, but these are babies, essentially), one of whom is a bit sick. We need some ideas on how to comfort these little people as they transition to our home. Their story is quite...tumultuous, but I won't be sharing details here, publically. Point is, in their very short lives thus far, they've been through a lot, and now they are leaving the foster home, which is familiar to them... I realize there's nothing I can REALLY do to ease their pain, fear, etc. I know this. But I really need to know if there is anything that you can think of that might be comforting...The only thing that is coming with them from the foster home is Baby Girl's bassinette...Other than that, everything will be new to them, and it makes me want to cry for them. There is only about an 8 day transition, starting Tuesday. I might be panicking a bit...But I can only imagine how afraid they'll be, and how much pain they are in (for Baby Girl, there is physical as well as emotional pain, I'm sure). For anyone with any tidbits of advice, they would be much appreciated for a very jittery me. Wow, you guys are all amazing. Just so you know, I'm pretty sure I can't pick a BA for this one. Thank you to everyone who emailed me privately. You support is lovely. @Linny: Fabulous suggestions, and apparently, Baby Boy does have a blanket that his foster parents gave him @ birth. That will be coming with him, thank goodness. @Sunny: Epsom salts ROCK. Kiddo has lots of food/chemical sensitivities, but I know how to work with those too, and epsom salts can help with those, big time. AWESOME suggestion. @Ferbs: You're a doll. Thank you. :-) @Andraya: If the weather improves, are you up for a coffee date and some shopping? :-P I heart Elephants Never Forget. :-) @Lola: Oh, Love, please feel better. Thank you & your Mom for the suggestions! The dryer thing is GREAT. Thank you! And keep in touch..I wanna know how you're doing! Everyone, you're awesome! Keep your answers comin', and I'll just let it go to a vote! :-) @JustaMom: Wow. Just...Wow. That is really beautiful.

Answer: Nightly baths. Add epsom salts to soothe tense muscles--really, it works. And get a routine, and stick to it. All children crave routine. Good luck. xx

Question: Is it okay to breast feed a foster child? A caseworker jsut showed up at my door with a beautiful 3 week old baby girl. However, she was born preterm and addicted to drugs. She is still underweight and sickly. The doctor has said she is failing to thrive and is already showing signs of attachment disorder due to not being cuddled as a newborn should be. I am nursing my 5 month old right now and was wondering if it were ethical or legal for me to nurse the new infant as well to help her health and bonding? The worker has said this will almost certainly be a long term placement if not possible adoption opportunity. No, I'm not a pedophile, nor do I have any sexual or misplaced intentions :-) The baby's caseworker stopped by again this afternoon. I kind of dropped a few hints to him (yes, a man) and he said that this little girl needed all the help she could get. He also said I was the only open suitable placement right now, so maybe "someone else" thinks its a good idea. Then he said he wasn't sure about all the legal mumbo jumbo, but he wouldn't tell on me. He also said he'd ask his supervisor just to see. Incidently, I know how hard "losing" a kid is. This baby is my 46th placement. Thanks for all the great answers.

Answer: It is fine morally to nurse a foster baby. This baby, in particular seems to need it--yes, it *would* help with health and bonding. (Of course, the foster care system is often built to *interfere* with bonding; hopefully, you *will* be able to keep this baby for a long time!!) It is also legal to nurse a foster baby. But it *may* freak out the caseworker. Speak to the caseworker before you do anything. It would be great if the caseworker puts the welfare of the baby before her own prejudices (if any)...

Question: Pre-adoption placement interview questions? I received a call this week regarding two under school aged siblings. My husband and I are one of two families who may be granted custody and be able to adopt these children. Can anyone who has adopted through the foster care system give me any suggestions regarding questions I should ask? What will they look for in my home? Anything I should or should not do or say? Thanks! We are not related. My husband and I have been through the approval process. This is an interview to match the children with the prospective parents. I was wondering if anyone had any tips who have already been through this process of adoption.

Answer: Ask questions that you want to know the answer to and be honest answering questions. Find out as much about the history and needs of these children as you can and decide if you can and want to meet their needs. The process is meant to find the right family for these chidren with their particular ages and needs. If you are not it, it won't be good for any of you for you to try to "figure out" how to be the ones chosen. If you are the right family, honest dialogue with your social worker will reveal that. Good Luck!

Question: To people who foster to adopt did you have these emotions? We just got our first foster placement. We are fostering to adopt so they are only placing kids with us with a good chance of permanent placement. The first mom has 10 other kids that were taken or she willingly adopted them out to family with no CPS involvement. They are pretty sure she won't work her case plan and he will be available for adoption. I feel like I am steeling her child. I know I have nothing to do with her case plan and I don't even have to meet her. I feel like I am benefiting from her loss. I know many of you on here feel this (foster care) is better than private but I feel if I could afford it i would do private. I feel like they make a choice to give up their child and I would feel better about that. Does anyone else feel/felt that way?

Answer: Hi R, Please meet the mother of your child and bring a camera. Of course ask her permission first, if she agrees to the photo it will be a valued treasure. Make a list of questions to ask her, here are some of my suggestions: What is your favorite color? What is your favorite food? Is there anything different or special you remember from your child's pregnancy? Are you right handed or left handed? What is your favorite song? I think you get my point. This was priceless information for my DD. We did not do a private adoption but we did do a domestic adoption. Our DD's other mother did make the choice to choose us as parents to her child. I do NOT feel better about it. I witness the pain DD's other mother still suffers 10 years later because of adoption. I worry and wonder and i am consumed with guilt that maybe with enough encouragement she could have parented DD. I wouldn't wish THAT guilt trip on anyone, and i don't sleep well at night.

Question: Guardianship vs. Adoption? Having just tripped over the 2005 legislation for Special Guardianship again ('cause I was diggin' it out to answer in here), and given that I've had to find a new site to get the info. from ('cause BAAF are no longer supporting anything other than adoption or fostering *insert sad face*), I figured I'd throw out the age old question: *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** If you suddenly acquired a random child who needed to live with you for the remainder of their childhood (for whatever reason, however long that may be), which would you choose (if you were over here in England) and why - Special Guardianship, Adoption, or something else? *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** <quoting >http://www.fassit.co.uk/special_guardian… Section 115 of the Act introduces a new legal status for non-parents who are, or wish to care for children in a long-term, secure placement. ... ** 1. What is Special Guardianship The Adoption and Children Act 2002 introduces a completely new court order, Special Guardianship, intended to provide another option for legal permanence for children who cannot grow up with their birth families. A Special Guardianship Order gives the special guardian legal parental responsibility for the child which is expected to last until the child is 18. But, unlike Adoption Orders, these orders do not remove parental responsibility from the child’s birth parents, although their ability to exercise it is extremely limited. In practice, this means that the child is no longer the responsibility of the local authority, and the special guardian will have more clear responsibility for all day-to day decisions about caring for the child or young person, and for taking important decisions about their upbringing, for example their education. And, importantly, although birth parents retain their legal parental responsibility, the special guardian only has to consult with them about these decisions in exceptional circumstances. ... ** 3. Why was Special Guardianship introduced For some time researchers and practitioners have highlighted that there are some, mainly older, children and young people in care who may accept that they can not live with their birth parents, but who are still unhappy about being adopted and breaking all legal ties with their family. Long-term fostering has provided an alternative placement option for this group of children and young people, but it hasn’t always offered them the security and sense of belonging that they need. At the same time, some foster carers who have been caring for children over a period of time, have felt anxious and frustrated about the lack of clarity about their role in day-to-day decision making, and have expressed their need for a legally secure relationship with these children. Special Guardianship Orders have been introduced to offer an alternative permanency option for this group of children and their carers, and one which might be more appropriate in other particular circumstances. </quote> See also: The Special Guardianship Regulations 2005 @ http://www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2005/… @ Lesley: So why is it that you think it's ok to annihilate the history of a baby, but not the history of an older child? At what arbitrary point in time in a child's life should they suddenly become "immune" to having their history obliterated by adoption?

Answer: Special guardianship wins for me everytime and I wish social services would consider it before adoption. I do know of a couple of cases IRL where this is in place and it works. In one case it's a boy who has been with his aunt and cousin since he was a few weeks old. He sees his mum and dad regularly (they separated after he was born) and he is quite happy as he sees all his family regularly. The two are brother and sister who are being raised by their grandparents and were old enough to understand when this first happened. They don't see their dad but they see their mum plus they can see all their other family whenever they want. None of them have ever mentioned adoption or wanting to be adopted.