Adoptee

Question: How is it disturbing for an adoptee to adopt? I was reading in the adoption section and I got weirded out by LinnyG's comment. "I find it highly disturbing when an adoptee willingly surrenders a child, and even more disturbing if an adoptee adopts. " How is it disturbing?

Answer: LinnyG is weird.

Question: Why is the adoptee point of view so frequently scorned and disregarded? Considering today's climate of political correctness, where every special interest group is encouraged to defend and fight for their specific point of view and everyone else must respect that point of view, why is it so difficult for the adoptee point of view to be heard and respected? How can adoptees better communicate their point of view?

Answer: I think the problem is that people who have not been involved in adoption see it as a "perfect solution" to both unplanned pregnancy and infertility. They also can't imagine that a child who, according to the media image of adopted life, wouldn't be grateful to have the life their adoptive parents gave them. From the outside looking in, most people believe that adoption involves taking a baby, from either a very young girl who cannot or does not want to raise a baby, or a woman with a criminal and/or drug addicted background and giving it to a nice stable well to do couple who will love and cherish it and give it everything it's first mother could or would not. With this image in mind they cannot understand how anyone would want to denounce the "wonderful adoptive parents" and search out their "less desireable" first mother. Add to that that adopted people are usually called "adopted children", we are not seen as adults. We are forever seen as spoiled brat kids demanding what we should not want (ie a relationship with our first families, our OBCs ect,)

Question: What are the consequences of an adoptee and birthmom finding each other before its legal? If a birthmom and adoptee find each other before the adoptee is 18...what are the consequences?? Please Help! Well if there were clues in pictures that led the adoptee to be able to find them on myspace or something.... Can the birthmother get in trouble for that?

Answer: theres nothing illegal about it. the only issue you might have is if the birth mom now wants to gain custody of the minor. but as far as them meeting on the street or SOME HOW finding each other, you cant really do anything about that edit: no, not UNLESS there is some sort of court order saying that the birth mother cannot contact the child in any way.

Question: How can we guarantee that adoptive parents reveal adoptive status to the adoptee? Are there any ways that would ensure that, so no adoptee would have to be a LDA? (Late Discovery Adoptee) Thanks for your ideas.

Answer: I think all adoptive parents should tell their adoptees about their past from the beginning. Having said that, I'm not sure there is any way to guarantee. Legislating parental communication would be interfering with the family by the government in a way that we should resist, in general. I do think we could notify adoptees of their status when they turn 18. With that required notification, I would expect many adoptive parents would want to tell their children earlier so that they are the ones to tell them. Probably the most important and effective step we could take would be to change society's attitudes towards adoption. A recognition of the difference of adoption and, at the same time, a de-stigmatization of adoption, would make parents more likely (though it wouldn't guarantee) to be honest with their children. The fact that people insist on lying to themselves and to their children about the differences inherent in adoption, that they continue to insist there is NO DIFFERENCE between adoption and giving birth, contributes to stigmatizing adoptions (and adoptees) and convinces parents that they should keep it a secret. That needs to end.

Question: What role does the first mother play in an adult adoptee's life? Is she a mother figure? Can she help the adult adoptee resolve the pain created by adoption? Is she in any way connected to the adoptive family? ETA: I'm interested in your, opinions, experiences, and desires; not attempting to paint all relationships with a single brush. ETA2: Possum wrote, "adoption = the gift that just keeps on giving." I tend to think of it as the gift that keeps on TAKING.

Answer: Hi maybe, I'm intentionally answering this before I read the other answers...so as not to be "swayed" by what I might read. I know you are looking for a variety of answers, so here's mine. As you already understand, it depends on the adoptee and the Mom. Each situation is different and even two similar situations will still have their unique nuances. Here's how it's working out for me. My Mom does play a maternal role in my life and she is a "mother figure". For us, this happened quite naturally. Has not been so much so with my Dad (they are not together -- each is married to someone else) but not by my choice...and not necessarily by his, either. We just are at different stages in our lives that make friendship more realistic for us that father/daughter roles. But, I digress... My Mom has helped me resolve some of the pain created by my adoption -- and I believe I have helped her resolve some of the pain suffered through losing me. We are both careful not to make our individual healing the responsibility of the other, though. Again, this happened very naturally for us. We also have both sought both professional and non-professional help (meaning spouses, friends and other people). None of that "other" help intersects with one exception: her older sister. My Auntie "K" is well-equipped to deal with us both and she has been an absolute star! For one thing, she was there when it all "went down", so to speak. For another, she is the eldest sister and nurturing is very much in her nature. Lastly, we both (Mom and I) ask her very often if she is comfortable talking with us about things. She teases us both about it -- we are both super careful about "stepping on toes" with those we love and care about. :-) My Mom is not connected to my adoptive family in any way. But, that probably has a lot to do with the fact that *I* and barely connected to them anymore myself. She has tried really hard to be a peacemaker and even play "devil's advocate" a little bit when I've been especially angry or hurt. (Bless her heart!) At this point, we (Mom and I) are pursuing having my adoption annuled/vacated/set aside. This is at my request and she asked me to "think about it" for a long time. Now that we've discussed it at great length, and she more fully understands the whole situation (as best she can under the circumstances), we are proceeding. She is paying for it all. If we are not successful, I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm really hesitant to be "adopted back" by either of my natural parents because, not being together, they can't BOTH adopt me back -- it's one or the other, plus current spouse. Mom and her hubby are willing. I haven't talked with Dad about that option, although he's tickled pink about "undoing" the adoption, so my OWN natural parents will be MY parents again. We'll just see how it turns out. So, yes, for me Mom is a mom, she is MY mom and she's doing brilliantly. And my 3 siblings by her are all aware of the situation and pleased as punch. Mom and her hubby added me to their will within a few months after we found each other -- even before we had met. She has since confided that she wanted to do it the NEXT DAY, but was afraid to "crowd" me and also nervous to ask for my SSN. Lol! I'm touched but also glad she waited a little -- it was pretty intense and overwhelming. Great question! I'm excited to see what others are saying. :-) Take care!

Question: How many international adopters provide language lessons for the adoptee to learn to speak their original lang It is easier for younger children to learn lauguages, and it also helps improve other areas of thought and reasoning. How many make an effort to expose an adoptee to early exposure of the first language of the child's culture?

Answer: How wonderful that some adoptive parents are doing this. What a great opportunity for the child to retain some of his/her original cultural identity and for the family to become bilingual. Americans are bad at learning other languages because we don't care to do it, but second language is like a second world view. A child who keeps his native language (which means, of course, the language of the culture in which he or she was born, as "native" comes from the same root as "natal") will have a richer life.

Question: What are female adopters most envious of, in regard to their adoptee's mother? What do they covet the most? The chance to experience life growing inside them, the ability to have an real bond with their child? Or is it the fact of knowing that they are their child's actual mother? What impact does this jealousy have on the adoptee?

Answer: Not one thing. She was never anyone I wanted to be.

Question: What resources have you found useful in your search for a birth family member or an adoptee? I have used many different resources in trying to locate my half brother who is an adoptee. Other than ISSR and state registries, what other resources may be helpful. I am compiling a list to post on my MySpace Adoption Reunion group. Thanks for your help.

Answer: Once you have a name and possible age, I like "US SEARCH" for identifying a possible state. I don't pay and I take the information that comes up in my search and use it on "intellius" or "black book online" ( http://www.blackbookonline.info )and run a free name and address finder. Blackbook also has cool state links that are free for every US state, I dig that site! Also check here, here are some other resources I use often: http://adopteerights.net/forum/index.php…

Question: Is it illegal to contact an adoptee in a closed adoption? California is a closed adoption state, and it says that the age of adulthood is 21 for an adoptee. Would it then be illegal for the birth parents to contact their child before they turn 21?

Answer: I was never told I would be thrown in jail for searching for my birth mother, but the agency I was adopted from would not at all release any information about my birth mother or father until I was 21 because it was the law in my state apparently that adoptees could not make any contact or obtain info until the age of 21 and my bparents could not contact me til 21 either.

Question: What would an adoptee feel towards her foster parents? I have a debate tomorrow and my topic is about how an adoptee would feel after she found out that she was adopted. Will it cause some boundary from her poster parent? will she feel that she should pay back his adoptive parents?

Answer: My Mum was adopted. She kind of was confused that they didn't tell her earlier. She wondered why she was adopted in the first place and it made things uncomfortable for a little while. Things settled down and she is thankful she got put into a good home. She was still confused and went on to look for her parents. She got in contact with her family but her Mum (my grandma) died 3 days before she called :-\ She was raped by her step father so then my mother understood there are alot of reasons people are put into adoption.

Question: Can an adult adoptee go before a judege and ask to be granted his/her juvenille records w/o a lawyer? And also once opened does the adoptee get to keep the records? I have my adoption papers but want to see if there is any medical info on my birth mother and was told to see if the judge would honor me in opening my juvenille file. I am almost 30 married w/ 2 kids and I need to know my medical history.

Answer: To get a copy of your juvenile criminal records does not require a court order. To get a copy of your adoption records does require a court order. If a lawyer is needed or not would depend on the complexity of the laws of your unknown location. Adoption records are rarely released unless all parties have filed for the release unless there is good cause shown.

Question: How do infertile adopters feel when they think about their adoptee's mother? Particularly the infertile female adopters, how do they feel knowing that the mother carried their baby in their womb, gave them life, nurtured them, did all those things that inferile adopters can only dream about? How does it feel to know that your adoptee has a special bond that can NEVER be replicated, and that everyday the adoptee just feels sadness when they see their adopters, because all they want is their mothers?

Answer: I have no idea if I'm infertile--I've never tried to get pregnant. I was adopted because I was taken from my parents. I wanted to do the same, so I did. I adopted older children who had been taken from their parents because of abuse. I know that she carried them in her womb and gave them life. I also know that she then nearly killed them. My 8 year old son at the time he was taken was barely wearing size 3 clothes (e.g. he was the size of a 3 year old) and told the most horrific stories of abuse he and his siblings endured. He and his siblings then spent years in an orphanage. I have no desire to "replicate" the bond shared between their first mother and the children. And while I cannot speak for my children, I can quote what my oldest child said to the youngest child yesterday, "If I had not been adopted, I would still be living in my nightmares." What do I think about my children's first mother? I wish she had truly bonded with and cared for her children. I love her children and they love me. I'm good. p.s. I NEVER wanted to be placed back with my first parents and I did/do not feel sadness when I looked at my adoptive parents. Please, don't speak for me.

Question: Are you going to the Adoptee Rights Demonstration in Philly? How many YAers are going to Philly for the Adoptee Rights Demonstration on Tuesday? If you aren't going (and support the cause), have you given your name to someone to be carried? (There are people carrying names of supporters who cannot attend.) If you are not attending this year, are you planning to come next year?

Answer: I fully support open records for all adult adoptees however I am not comfortable with the language that is used here to support it. Words like "protest" and "demonstration" are, in my opinion, negative terms and are not effective in drawing attention to a cause. Also are terms I've seen on posters like "bastard child" and the like. Understandably it's a subject that makes adoptees angry but that's exactly how it comes across to others and, again, in my opinion, just turns people off. Having been involved in local campaigning in my own community for various issues I've learned that positive language is more effective. We have my daughter's OBC and even if we didn't she was born in a state that has open records so it's not an issue with us. I did everything I could to make sure she would not have unanswered questions. If someday my daughter wants to support equal rights for adoptees in terms of open records I will gladly join the band wagon with her if she wants me to. eta: To the lunchlady: I spend tons of volunteer time on other things important to me, my community, and my family. My head is not in the sand.

Question: Do adopters who are infertile due to obesity blame their adoptee's mothers for having what they can't? Adopters who are infertile due to diabetes and obesity seem to feel entitled to purchase another woman's child at any cost. Do these same people blame their adoptee's mothers for experiencing the natural and wondrous joy of carrying and birthing a child, knowing that they can't?

Answer: My God, would you just shut up already?

Question: I would like to help make a difference for adoptee rights? Hi, What are some of the best ways to donate money to help support adoptee rights in the USA? Thank you for any and all ideas.

Answer: Thanks for asking :) What better way to greet the politicians attending the National Conference of State Legislatures this July than with a full page ad in the print version of the New Orleans Times-Picayune listing adult adoptees and their friends and family who support adoptee rights? Our goal is one thousand names, representing all fifty states. You can be part of history by simply donating ten dollars to the Day for Adoptee Rights. Donations are easy, just click on the link below, fill out the short form and you’re all set. Your donation will help defray the cost of the ad and help guarantee maximum impact on the very people who hold the power to open our records. All who have donated so far can automatically be assured a spot in the ad. Join us today!

Question: How can an adoptee not feel like a commodity? Seems like whenever an adoptee says that they feel like they were bought and sold they are told otherwise. Besides the fact that adoption is a multi-billion dollar BUSINESS - how is it I'm not supposed to feel like a commodity when I come on Yahoo (and other sites) and see "what is the easiest country to adopt from," "what's the quickest way to adopt," "how does one unadopt," "where can I find a birthmom," "I want a healthy boy," "I'd like to adopt a girl," "I want an infant"? How are we supposed to feel like adoption was in our best interest when clearly it is about the interest of the adoptive parents? lillilou - please point out to me where I said that being wanted is wrong. For youths that are suffering abuse at the hands of their parents then yes, it is not in their best interests to be with them. I could say the same about adoptive parents - I know far to many adoptees who suffered abuse at the hands of the parents who were supposed to be in their best interests. But that's not what I was asking about. I was asking how an adoptee cannot feel like a commodity when we are placed to match an order from the adoptive parents, according to what kind of child they want. redpeach - how do you figure I'm bitter simply by me asking a question? Do you have ESP? Or are you simply just upset that my views don't match yours? Most, not all but most adoptive parents come to adoption through infertility - years and years of infertility. I wonder how many would have adopted had they been able to have their own children? Who's best interest? Katherine - your answer is to stupid to respond to. So many of you who answered missed my point completely. I didn't even talk about the money aspect other than to say it's a multi billion dollar business. I was talking about the "made to order" aspect and how to get a baby in the easiest quickest way possible. So K, sorry - but I made no correlation between anything. I never said adoptive parents do X while natural parents do Y. Now I don't doubt that natural parents plan to get pregnant because it's in their best interests. In fact, that is exactly what I was trying to say. Adoption is touted as being in the best interest of the child when it's really not. So maybe the myth needs to be ended and people need to admit that when they decided to adopt, especially after infertility, it had NOTHING to do with the child's interests but everything to do with their own.

Answer: I think that if an adopted person is aware that their biological parents desplayed some neglectful or unloving actions, or that their biological parents actions make it look like they were truly unwanted, and not worth the work of parenting, Then I think that adoptee will feel less like a commodity and more happy to have a home where they are wanted. I think it's really hard if you meet your biological family and realize they were NOT abusive, were NOT neglectful, and actually wanted to keep you desperately. Then it becomes a class issue. Members of the higher classes with more money wind up getting to have the babies while the younger moms without money suffer. As an adoptee, it often inspires us to work for social change for families who need better support to keep their children. And it also makes you feel like your adoptive parents only real reason for having you is the money, which is not really a good reason to lose your family.

Question: Is it possible for an adoptee to love their adoptive parents as much as their biological parents? The question as to whether adoptive parents can love their adopted children as much as biological children has been asked over and over again. I don't recall ever seeing the question posed to adoptees.

Answer: I understand why you're asking, but all of these questions are... off. I love my adoptive parents. I will never stop. But do I love them more than my wife? Do I love my wife more? What about my best friend? Do I love him more or less than my wife or my parents? I don't know how to make these judgments. I love my first mom. Do I love her more or less than any of these people? I don't know how to answer that question. I didn't know her until a few years ago. When I met her, I immediately felt love for her. But I didn't think to compare that with other people. The love I have for all of these people is different in each case. The love I feel for my wife is different than the love I feel for my best friend is different than the love I feel for my (adoptive) parents is different than the love I feel for my (first) mom. I don't know how to make measurements of lesser or greater, better or worse love. It's love. It's different each time.

Question: How does an adoptee research to find birth parents and medical history? I now have grandchildren and my own children have had health problems as well as myself. I was born in Long Beach, California. I have listed with a couple of organizations but have never gotten a response.

Answer: http://www.findmybiologicalparents.com

Question: Why is it that every adult adoptee i know? Why is it that every adult adoptee i know, I will admit i only know a handful so it is hardly representative, either want to have a gang of bio kids on their own or no kids at all there seemes to be no happy medium. All think it is great that we are adopting though.

Answer: When my son was born it was so bittersweet. Here was the first blood relation I had ever laid my eyes on, here was the one thing I was never suppose to do. Looking into the face of your newborn is a powerful thing for any new mom. I can't even explain how intense it is to look at your child and see someone related to you. To touch and hold another person who shares your genetic make up. Most people who aren't adopted take that for granted, they spend their lives with "their people". They look into similar faces every day, they hear similar voices and watch similar mannerisms, we don't. Maybe some adult adoptees want many children because it is also a way of connecting with their roots and who they are. The ones who don't might share feelings like my own. Growing up I couldn't grasp the concept that giving birth and parenting went together. One lady had a baby and another lady raised the baby. I'm not sure where the idea came from for me but I still fight with it. I never wanted to be the mommy when we played house, my barbies were never pregnant. It was drilled into me from a very young age (mostly by extended family) that I had to be "careful" because I could get the "bad blood". I knew that meant not to get pregnant because then I would be "just like my real mother". I didn't want children at all. I had bad blood and no right to have a family. For some reason I never thought I was good enough to be a mother, after all my own mother wasn't.

Question: How would come about introducing my adoptee and my Golden Retriever? The dog I want to get is a Yellow Lab. He is at my local SPCA. My golden retriever is very sweet and he needs a partner, so I am adopting Charlie. Rufus seems pretty excited about it. I know that I need to introduce dogs before I bring one into the house. How would I do this with caution?

Answer: Ask a family member to come with you to introduce the dog you'd like to adopt, and your dog...Rufus? Bring 2 leashes and strong muscles. These dogs may be VERY strong willed about meeting eachother. If you see any signs of growling, snarling, or lunging toward the neck...I'm sorry, but you'll have to find another furry friend. Good luck Dog Needer!